I am not going to lie, the months since my last post have been an interesting mix of emotions for me. We had been bracing ourselves for the first anniversary of Evelyn’s passing. It was not something I was looking forward to, in fact, I was dreading it. The closer it got, the more emotional I got about it. Then, the virus that we were hearing about in the news turned our world upside-down.
In an instant, I didn’t have time to fret about the upcoming anniversary. Our world had been completely changed, and we needed to adjust. It was during this time of adjustment that what I have begun to refer to as the ‘in between‘ snuck up on me. The in between? 16 days. Evelyn passed away 16 days before her birthday. The events are so close together that I wait for the 16 days in between to be able to celebrate Evelyn‘s birthday, which is a much more joyous event than the event that precedes it. The in between period is a difficult time for me. 16 days is a long time. I cannot simply take the entire time off work and being a mom to hole up in my bed like I want to. Life needs to keep moving during those 16 days. So I work to keep myself together during those 16 days.
Luckily for me, this year God opened a door to help me through the in between. Literally. He helped me open to the door to Evelyn’s room. You see, the door to Evelyn’s room has been closed since shortly after she passed. Everyone deals with pain differently. Especially a parent who has lost a child. Some parents keep their child’s room the exact same as the day the child passed, others turn it into something completely different. We did neither. After we donated her furniture, we stuck everything that we did not get rid of that was hers in that room and closed the door until we were ready to go through it.
After few months of keeping her door closed, I knew we were going to have to go through it sooner rather than later because in January of this year, we found out God blessed us with a new life. We are expecting Baby Mildenberger #3 in late September! We had to go through Evelyn’s room because it is the only room in our house that could be used for Baby Mildenberger #3.
I am something of a procrastinator. If there is a way for me to rationalize putting something off, I will. So I was not going to begin planning Baby Mildenberger #3’s room until I knew the gender of the baby. Also, I was not really ready to go through Evelyn’s room, and planning the room for Baby Mildenberger #3 meant I had to open the door to Evelyn’s room. All the more reason to procrastinate. But procrastination was not what God had in mind.
My 20 week ultrasound, where we find out the gender of the baby, was scheduled for the Tuesday after Evelyn’s birthday. At the time, I thought that was perfect. We would get through the in between and be able to focus on Evelyn and her birthday, then focus on Baby Mildenberger #3 without the heaviness of the in between. But the week before my appointment, I realized that the appointment ran right through a staff meeting for work that I NEEDED to speak at.
I had to change my appointment. I was so worried about changing it so close to the actual date because it was technically two appointments that had to fit perfectly together. First the ultrasound appointment, then I would head down stairs to my doctor to see her. I had my mind set that I would find out on Tuesday, and I did not want to wait any longer than that. I was nervous that this change was going to push the appointment back, and I would have to wait even longer to find out if we are having a boy or a girl.
So I called the week before Evelyn’s birthday, ready to beg to get an appointment on or before Tuesday of the next week. Luckily, they had the perfect appointment for me Thursday of the week before Evelyn’s birthday. The receptionist felt bad because there was a delay between the ultrasound and doctor appointment, and usually they set them back to back. I had to explain to her that this was PERFECT, because I had a work meeting scheduled exactly during that delay. This would mean I did not have to reschedule my work meeting! I snagged it right away without thinking, so excited that I did not have to wait any longer than I already planned to find out the gender of Baby Mildenberger #3. I may have even been a tiny bit smug that I was going to find out earlier than anticipated.
Then once the excitement of finding the perfect appointment wore off, it hit me. This appointment was during the in between. I prayed that I would be able to shake off the heaviness of the in between and be joyful about Baby Mildenberger #3. As if to say, you can do this, God helped me gain some peace before my appointment. Drew and I had a name for a boy picked out pretty much since I found out I was pregnant (which is funny because we have never settled on a boy name before, like ever, luckily we never had to). I wanted to have a name for a girl picked out too if Baby Mildenberger #3 was a girl. A few days before the appointment, we landed on a girl name. I was ready for the appointment! With God’s help, I was ready to feel joy about Baby Mildenberger #3 during the in between.
To me, these things to do not add up on their own without some help from our Father above. How else would I be able to squeeze myself into the the one appointment ultrasound had and the one appointment my doctor had, AND attend a work meeting that was perfectly in between the two appointments? How else would Drew and I be able to land on names for both genders in order to give me peace about the appointment? The answer to me is simple. We wouldn’t be able to without the help of God.
The appointments went perfectly with God’s help. We found out we were having a baby boy, and we knew we were going to name him Samuel. I remember taking a walk with Drew the day Evelyn went to Heaven. On this walk, I said, “I don’t think I will be able to emotionally handle another baby, ever.” At the time, Drew agreed. As the weeks after Evelyn’s passing went on, I began to feel my heart soften towards having another baby. Speaking to Drew, his was too. We prayed to our Father above that if it were His will, we would have another baby. We prayed this often, so when I found out I was pregnant, I instantly knew what I would want to name a boy, Samuel, God Heard. God had heard our prayers and gave us Samuel. We were beyond thrilled!
Circling back to how this helped me through the in between. We wanted to share the joyous news right away with family and friends. This news, the sharing of it, and the reactions to it lifted my spirits just when I needed it. I was able to open the door to Evelyn’s room to remind myself of the colors we painted it shortly after she passed. I was able to look past all the hurt that this room once reminded me of to see how this room would now be home to all three of our children (Katherine used this as her room when we first moved in, but we moved her to a different room when we were expecting Evelyn). This filled me with so much joy that the heaviness of the in between was not weighing me down any longer.
You see, God saw how I needed something like this to lift my spirits during the in between. He opened this door to give me what I needed at the perfect time. It is my prayer that you can recognize a time in your life where God ‘opened a door’ just when you needed it.
-The Blessed Mourner
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